When the wind blows

It's cold and dark outside.

I miss things being easy :) But I love things being different. I've been homesick, but then things just seem to turn out almost-perfect. This is definitely not what I expected, but then I had stupid images of everything being just so... straight-forward, 123. No questions, life would sort itself out and I'd watch it go by with a smile and not a care in the world.

I'm afraid that I'm doing things the wrong way actually, but I hope that everything will work itself out. I always was a very passive person. You can walk all over me and all I'll do is bitch behind your back, don't worry.

Well, I think we worked things out in the end, but then stuff happen and I question myself. We'll see how it goes, I guess. All I can is turn my face slightly towards the sun (that unfortunately likes to hide away these days) and smile.

You're just so comfortable.

So that's it then..?

This is one of those times when I have to write down what I remember, because I'm already beginning to forget.

Everything was fine to begin with. There's no denying that I have had my reservations about the whole thing, but that's just me. Strangely enough me bringing that up seemed to make us closer, things felt so... right. But bringing it up again did not go the way I expected. In fact, I wasn't expecting anything: I just wanted to clarify that, although I'm vague and non-committal to the point of ridiculousness, everything was going to be okay. That didn't happen. Instead, it spiralled out of control.

Who made the decision in the end? You? Or me? It seemed to just happen that way. One minute it was closeness and comfort, and quite literally the next tears and uncertainty. I think you telling me what advice you were given set it off. I mean, really. Neither of us actually made a decision... I remember talking about the options and that decision-making isn't exactly my forte, but when was it decided that I would feel like hell from that moment on? When was it decided that now I feel nothing?

It wasn't until you put the possibility out there that it hurt. Why did you let it happen like that? Why did you let things go unsaid until now?

It could be a good thing... But should I treat it as over, period, or just over until further notice? What does that even mean! I know what you said, I do, but what does that entail exactly? Do we just forget about it and get on with our lives, or do we act as before, only less intense? Should I behave as though it never happened?

I guess if this is my biggest problem right now, I should count myself lucky.

I wish that I could fix everything; I'm so sorry that I can't. Please, just tell me what to do.