change your mind

i will actually miss you so so much if you leave. so please don't go. it will not be the same without you and i don't think you realise how much you mean to me. i don't think i realised it myself until now.

i also want you to be happy. so either way it's a contradiction.

SALT

So tired! Home sooooooooooooooon.

I hate transcribing shit recordings.

The gap I thought that you would leave hasn't been so obvious, really. Not sure what that means exactly, it could go either way. I keep telling you to smile, when I'm not that bothered. Whoops.

Love you.

Us against the world :)

Still wrecked after last night (and no, not in that other sense of the word): I'm tired. Feeling a bit out of sorts, and just decided to write for once in my life :)

I'm not really sure what to think of things these days. I'm going home next weekend, and am incredibly excited about that! I haven't been home since mid-January, which isn't so bad, but when you think that I'm only so far away, it seems weird... There's no reason for me not to go home, I don't know what I'm trying to prove, and who to. Maybe I just don't want to miss out on anything, or want to save my weekends to visit other people as opposed to family... I'm not sure why I'm even dwelling on it really :)

It's crazy that I've already 'lost' contact with people who I met last semester. Not even last year, last semester. It is hard to squeeze everything in, but that's an extremely lame excuse. I have just 10 hours a week of lectures, plus a 9-5 placement day (well, it's not actually 9-5, but I leave the flat at 8am and get back at 6pm, and doing nothing can be just as draining as doing everything!) and sometimes an extra day of placement (like my 8.30am-4pm day of kids at a nursery on Thursday, which was delightful, I can assue you...). But that's it. I'm not in orchestra anymore, and partake in no other extra activities. (Unless you count the odd aerobics session!) Living with friends ensures that you're never stuck for a distraction, which is obviously good as well as bad. But getting to know my own block better has meant that I've sacrificed others. And thinking about it, some of those whom I've sacrificed are only here until June. That's it. I'll never see them again (well, probably not). So should I not be making the most of my time with them? I'm just lazy I guess.

And I'm just talking crap now. I have changed so much since September, and it's not all good and I know it. I am mostly indifferent to it all though, and right now I don't care so much. I was determined to stay in touch, and I have succeeded somewhat. But not really.

I am in such a weird mood! The music is absolutely blaring from upstairs (the exams just finished today), and I'm down here in my room surrounded by complete mess. I have no motivation to do anything right now... I'm not tired enough to sleep, not energetic enough to tidy, not focussed enough to bother reading. It really is disgusting in here though!

I hope Jonny Boyfriend has fun, but that his music doesn't last much longer...