new beginnings

2009-05-02T15:09:00.002+01:00

I am so ridiculous. I have changed so much, I just have to laugh about it. Who would have thought I would be in this position, literally only two months on? I started stressed, now I'm smiling. Life goes on.

2009-03-03T23:02:00.000Z

I don't think you realise how much you worry me.

2009-03-01T16:30:00.004Z

Your thing is music. Mine is this.

"I try to hold on but it hurts too much
I try to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

The truth hurts
A lie is worse

There's nothing left to say"

I regret the reliance, but not us. We should have done it differently. But what's done is done. You can't change the past. Let's just look forward to the future. Whatever that may be. I'm letting go now.

2009-02-28T16:56:00.003Z

I have so much work to do. My room needs tidied. There are dishes to be washed. Life needs to go on, but this is too hard. What was I like before this all began? Just me.

It's easy to say to someone to get over it, to go out and just be you. Independent. It's okay at times. I can forget for a little while. But I should be seeing you right now. And what do I do in the inbetween times? Our moments?

I understand how easy it is to make that mistake now. I'm still trying to grasp why you lied about it, but I can vaguely see why. You still let yourself get into that situation though. That should never have happened. I guess love wasn't a factor back then. But there was still a commitment.

I let it happen. And I still feel commited to you.

2009-02-26T00:40:00.001Z

I knew I was digging a hole. I don't belong anywhere anymore.

2009-02-25T20:01:00.002Z

I need to get over you.

Now.

I know that it's going to get better, but it doesn't feel like that right now.

Can you be friends with someone who you don't trust? Or can you cut out a bit of the past and throw it away?

I want to forgive you. I don't know if I can.

2009-02-24T22:32:00.001Z

I don't think you're worth the time I'm wasting on you.

2009-02-24T15:59:00.002Z

I can't focus. I can't concentrate.

I don't understand.

I feel like I have so much to say, so much to ask. Yet I still feel empty inside. I'm so angry at you, so disappointed in you. But I still love you. I wish I could stop. I wish that right now, for the moment, I was completely oblivious to your existence. I wish that I could either rewind so far back so that either we never existed or you told the truth, or that I could fast forward to a point where things had settled.

I have no idea what to do with myself. And it's all your fault. All your lies. What was the truth?

I was so blind.

I hope I never see you again.
I want you here right now.

I wish I was strong enough to walk away and never look back. I'm not.

clean break

2009-02-05T17:13:00.004Z

I don't remember who to talk to anymore.

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't breathe without you,
But I have to breathe without you,
But I have to.

I know that it has to happen and that it's happening right now. But it's so hard.

Easier said than done. And it was so hard to say.

2009-01-18T20:07:00.003Z

He says everything I need to hear
And it's like I couldn't ask for anything better

He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will

He's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller-coaster kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

change your mind

2008-11-10T21:15:00.002Z

i will actually miss you so so much if you leave. so please don't go. it will not be the same without you and i don't think you realise how much you mean to me. i don't think i realised it myself until now.

i also want you to be happy. so either way it's a contradiction.

SALT

2008-03-19T23:06:00.002Z

So tired! Home sooooooooooooooon.

I hate transcribing shit recordings.

The gap I thought that you would leave hasn't been so obvious, really. Not sure what that means exactly, it could go either way. I keep telling you to smile, when I'm not that bothered. Whoops.

Love you.

Us against the world :)

2008-03-15T20:57:00.002Z

Still wrecked after last night (and no, not in that other sense of the word): I'm tired. Feeling a bit out of sorts, and just decided to write for once in my life :)

I'm not really sure what to think of things these days. I'm going home next weekend, and am incredibly excited about that! I haven't been home since mid-January, which isn't so bad, but when you think that I'm only so far away, it seems weird... There's no reason for me not to go home, I don't know what I'm trying to prove, and who to. Maybe I just don't want to miss out on anything, or want to save my weekends to visit other people as opposed to family... I'm not sure why I'm even dwelling on it really :)

It's crazy that I've already 'lost' contact with people who I met last semester. Not even last year, last semester. It is hard to squeeze everything in, but that's an extremely lame excuse. I have just 10 hours a week of lectures, plus a 9-5 placement day (well, it's not actually 9-5, but I leave the flat at 8am and get back at 6pm, and doing nothing can be just as draining as doing everything!) and sometimes an extra day of placement (like my 8.30am-4pm day of kids at a nursery on Thursday, which was delightful, I can assue you...). But that's it. I'm not in orchestra anymore, and partake in no other extra activities. (Unless you count the odd aerobics session!) Living with friends ensures that you're never stuck for a distraction, which is obviously good as well as bad. But getting to know my own block better has meant that I've sacrificed others. And thinking about it, some of those whom I've sacrificed are only here until June. That's it. I'll never see them again (well, probably not). So should I not be making the most of my time with them? I'm just lazy I guess.

And I'm just talking crap now. I have changed so much since September, and it's not all good and I know it. I am mostly indifferent to it all though, and right now I don't care so much. I was determined to stay in touch, and I have succeeded somewhat. But not really.

2008-01-25T23:01:00.000Z

I am in such a weird mood! The music is absolutely blaring from upstairs (the exams just finished today), and I'm down here in my room surrounded by complete mess. I have no motivation to do anything right now... I'm not tired enough to sleep, not energetic enough to tidy, not focussed enough to bother reading. It really is disgusting in here though!

I hope Jonny Boyfriend has fun, but that his music doesn't last much longer...

"Now" :)

2007-12-09T00:00:00.000Z

Everything (minus work, that is) is coming together :) Looking forward to going home, but loving it here "now" as well... Some things are not the way I envisaged, but still, there's a healthy balance going on (I hope). These random as nights are what makes it, I think. No effort required. Also the lying in bed talking shit, falling asleep and sitting in the hall way. I have missed that, and it's only been so long.

I don't want to miss out on anything, and I'm not sure that I have... I like how I disappeared and it was noticed. I like how you called to ask. I like how I felt comfortable sitting here as well.

Goodness knows where I'll be next year, but I'm comfortable right now knowing that others feel the same. I don't know what I miss anymore, but there's definitely something. I made the right decision, that's for sure. Right "now" I would not change that for anything.

Tiiiiiired

2007-12-06T16:34:00.000Z

I'm so so tired! And yes, I am procrastinating the most boring essay of my life. And yes, the phone just rang. Thank goodness for that then :)

Ohh, how lots of things have changed since I finished school! Clearly there are some things you never forget, but I love it anyway.

When the wind blows

2007-11-17T16:27:00.000Z

It's cold and dark outside.

I miss things being easy :) But I love things being different. I've been homesick, but then things just seem to turn out almost-perfect. This is definitely not what I expected, but then I had stupid images of everything being just so... straight-forward, 123. No questions, life would sort itself out and I'd watch it go by with a smile and not a care in the world.

I'm afraid that I'm doing things the wrong way actually, but I hope that everything will work itself out. I always was a very passive person. You can walk all over me and all I'll do is bitch behind your back, don't worry.

Well, I think we worked things out in the end, but then stuff happen and I question myself. We'll see how it goes, I guess. All I can is turn my face slightly towards the sun (that unfortunately likes to hide away these days) and smile.

You're just so comfortable.

So that's it then..?

2007-11-12T14:09:00.000Z

This is one of those times when I have to write down what I remember, because I'm already beginning to forget.

Everything was fine to begin with. There's no denying that I have had my reservations about the whole thing, but that's just me. Strangely enough me bringing that up seemed to make us closer, things felt so... right. But bringing it up again did not go the way I expected. In fact, I wasn't expecting anything: I just wanted to clarify that, although I'm vague and non-committal to the point of ridiculousness, everything was going to be okay. That didn't happen. Instead, it spiralled out of control.

Who made the decision in the end? You? Or me? It seemed to just happen that way. One minute it was closeness and comfort, and quite literally the next tears and uncertainty. I think you telling me what advice you were given set it off. I mean, really. Neither of us actually made a decision... I remember talking about the options and that decision-making isn't exactly my forte, but when was it decided that I would feel like hell from that moment on? When was it decided that now I feel nothing?

It wasn't until you put the possibility out there that it hurt. Why did you let it happen like that? Why did you let things go unsaid until now?

It could be a good thing... But should I treat it as over, period, or just over until further notice? What does that even mean! I know what you said, I do, but what does that entail exactly? Do we just forget about it and get on with our lives, or do we act as before, only less intense? Should I behave as though it never happened?

I guess if this is my biggest problem right now, I should count myself lucky.

I wish that I could fix everything; I'm so sorry that I can't. Please, just tell me what to do.

I Can Only Imagine

2007-09-20T21:53:00.000+01:00

What happened to us? Do we really even care?

Life's getting 'crazy', and by that I just mean it's changing: everything's different. I'm definitely excited about what's coming, but that doesn't mean that I'm not apprehensive about what's being left behind.

I know you have done so much for me, and maybe I haven't been so adaptable in return, but that's the way things go. The future is definitely going to be a lot different to how I think we originally imagined it together. I'm sad in a sense, but if it's as strong as it's supposed to be, it will work. It should work. However, theory doesn't always work in practice.

Have we really been through that much together? How much of it is real? I'm ready to move on, but I'm not sure if you're coming with me. The question is, Do you want to?

Energy to burn. Let's give it a shot.

Wish my life luck.

Simply #1

2007-09-18T15:18:00.001+01:00

It's been a long time. I had completely forgotten about how much I used to blog; how much we used to blog. Because there was a time when I had quite a few pages to check on for updates every week. It's odd how that all changed quite gradually, to the point where it's almost (but not quite) dead.

Reading over my life (that's one way to put it, I guess), I barely even understand some of it. I did enjoy making the simple things more complicated, but now it means that even I myself don't know where to draw the life between what's real and what's only 'intriguing'. It wasn't very good, but I think it served its purpose. Who knows what will come of this now.

What makes me smile is, for want of a better word, the 'support' I received. It was always fun to get a comment of some description added on to the end of a post. I liked reading what everybody else was up to or thinking (I think they call that being nosey), even if I couldn't understand their individual thought processes or what exactly was going on.

There's a point where you must move on, and now I'm going to be lazy. This is my last blog post, almost a year ago now, dated Thursday, September 28, 2006:

Short and sweet.

There's no one amazing time in your life...
There's just one amaaazing life time. Even when it doesn't look like, feel like, or act like it.

Don't be stuck in the yesterdays... Live in the todays, and strive towards the tomorrows.

DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME/// because I love... wonderful days.

Don't dismiss it: Live It.

--Here's to what tomorrow brings :)